"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
That's a pretty good rule to live by. Treat people the way you want to be treated. I don't necessarily think about the specifics of the Golden Rule on a daily basis, but how I live my life meshes with it pretty well. However, I've developed a personality trait that seems to have spawned out of the Golden Rule. I like to call it the "Inverse Golden Rule". (Note to any techy friends reading this: I don't necessarily mean the mathematical inverse, it's just a convenient play on words :-P)
"Expect others to do unto you, as you have done unto them"
I spend a good amount of effort in my interactions with people trying to read them. I try to look for patterns, and more specifically recognize when those patterns have changed, normally for the worse. When that happens, generally I'll ask if they're ok, if they need some help, if everything's all right.
The "Inverse Golden Rule" is what I like to call my irrational expectation that someone else will do the same for me. "Why doesn't anybody notice that I'm upset and ask me if I'm all right? If they were acting like this, I'd ask them!" This should not be taken that my friends and family don't care about how I feel and don't ask if I'm all right. They do. But there's a part of my brain that, like I said, irrationally expects someone to be there and ask me if I'm all right.
And to be honest, I'm far from perfect either. I'm sure I let my friends and family down from time to time. I'm not always able to pick up on the signals, and sometimes I'm just not paying attention enough to notice it or act on it. So, what gives me the right to expect them to do unto me? (Note: Expectation will be a topic for another post all by itself someday)
I think part of it comes from a (recently weakening) unwillingness to actively ask for help. That if I could somehow get people to notice that I'm upset and offer to help, then I don't have to admit weakness by asking for it, or I won't feel guilty for having asked for help.
I think another part of it comes from the inherent unrealistic expectations that you can infer from the original "Golden Rule". It doesn't say:
"Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you and you can expect them to do unto you that way"
In reality it's more like:
"Do unto others,as you would have them do unto you and your chances of being do unto that way increase"
Questions for discussion:
- Does anyone else out there have an "Inverse Golden Rule" that they have to deal with?
- If so, what kinds of coping mechanisms do you use?
3 comments:
I heard this a few weeks ago ... it's called "The Platinum Rule" .... it's "Treat others the way they want to be treated."
i've known you for years. you are a caring, thoughtful person and treat your friends and family well.
this blog post is a crystal clear look at something that really hangs you up.
to be able to see the behavior you want to change is the 1st step.
to be able to write it down (and post it online) is pretty amazing.
now, to be able to find the help in changing the thought process, that will be wonderful. and scary.
most people know they are unhappy but can't say why. it takes courage to look at yourself, see the "problem" and then ask for help.
& sometimes you have to ask more then once. you might have to ask multiple people, multiple times...
but keep asking!!!
I guess I'm tired of being ashamed of it or afraid of it. It's the truth, these things I'm starting to post are what's in my head, and they're not getting solved in there. They're just smoldering and stewing and getting worse, not better.
And thank you for the kind words, Jennifer.
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